The Grim Reaper always takes a special interest in US Presidential elections. The President of the United States controls a vast amount of military resources, including not only nuclear weapons, but those cool drone aircraft as well.
Grim is unhappy with Barack Obama because he took out Osama bin Laden when bin Laden had the potential to kill a few thousand more people.
Fortunately, an excellent alternative has come along in Mitt Romney, and not just because of Romney’s belief in the exercise of military power all over the planet. As the CEO of Bain & Co., Romney was a partner with Grim’s all-time favourite enterprise, Philip Morris.
Bain & Co. played a key role in two spectacular successes for Philip Morris. The first one was bringing Philip Morris into Russia after the collapse of the Soviet Union. Romney, who regards Russia as the “number one geopolitical foe” of the United States, put his money where his mouth is by supplying Russians with cigarettes. It was part of a free-for-all that involved wholesale looting of major industries, as Western technocrats helped facilitate the transfer of Russia’s wealth into the hands of a few oligarchs. And, get this, Bain got US tax money to help pay for it. Chalk up 400,000 smoking-related deaths each year in Russia. Woo-hoo!
The second success was in helping Philip Morris hang onto their vital teenage market in the US. It was starting to slip away, but Romney and Bain figured out that if Philip Morris just dropped the price of their cigarettes so that teenagers could afford them, they would take in just as much in profit over the long run by recruiting a new generation of addicts. Smoking by teenagers rose by 20% over the next four years. Philip Morris was very happy with the job Romney did for them. If Romney makes it into the Oval Office, Grim will be even happier. Romney will be the most powerful anti-smoker on the planet.
Stories by Jason Cherkis and Zach Carter in Huffington Post:
Mitt Romney’s Bain Made Millions On Big Tobacco In U.S., Russia
Mitt Romney’s Bain Helped Philip Morris Get U.S. High Schoolers Hooked On Cigarettes
“Sex, Lies and Cigarettes”, a documentary film by Christof Putzel, and aired in the “Vanguard” series on Current TV, is now available on YouTube.
Sometimes the truth comes out. This time, Philip Morris got some help from the Billboard Liberation Front. Here’s the story: My Life, My Death, My Billboard
Here’s Grim’s favourite part: “All former Marlboro Men, Wayne McLaren, David McLean and Dick Hammer, were unavailable for comment due to their rugged, manly choice of death by lung cancer.”
Greetings from Grim…aka, Osama bin Tobacco.
On the 9th anniversary of 9/11., Grim would like to remind everyone that when it comes to killing, nobody — NOBODY — even comes close to his good friends at the tobacco industry.
3,000 people died on September 11, 2001. In the U.S. alone, tobacco industry products (TIPs) kill that many people EVERY 3 DAYS! Globally, TIPs kill that many people EVERY 5 HOURS!
It took my dreaded Taliban fighters 7 years to kill 123 Canadians…IN A WAR ZONE! TIPs kill that many Canadians EVERY SINGLE DAY!
Speaking of wars: With the exception of the combined 10 years of the two World Wars, TIPs have killed more people, globally — each and every year over the last century — than any/all wars!
On September 11, take a moment to think about those who died on 9/11; then take 5 moments to think about the 15,000 global citizens who die, EACH AND EVERY DAY, as a direct result of using TIPs.
And think about this, too. Most of the victims of the 9/11 “terrorist” attacks died instantly…or within minutes/hours of the attack. For most smokers, on the other hand, death is very long, slow and agonizingly painful process.
And you wonder why I fired the Taliban…and love tobacco so much!?!
TOBACCO IS WONDERFUL!
That’s why I warn anti-tobacco activists: Do not interfere with my #1 source of dead bodies! And remember: The tobacco industry does not target kids, it does not want kids to smoke, it could survive very nicely if nobody started smoking until they were 19 and, last but not least, NICOTINE IS NOT ADDICTIVE!!!
A video about Errol Povah’s Journey for a Tobacco-Free World:
MAYDAY! MAYDAY! MAYDAY!
The Grim Reaper has just learned that Errol Povah, president of Airspace Action on Smoking and Health – the Canadian anti-tobacco group that Grim fears most – is soon embarking on something called the JOURNEY for a TOBACCO-FREE WORLD!
“Povah is trying to eliminate my biggest source of disease, disability, and premature death,” Grim said. “If he thinks I’m going to just sit back and let that happen without a fight, he’s got another think coming!”
If the JTFW is successful and accomplishes its goals, Grim’s future looks…well, GRIM!
The tobacco industry and its small army of well-paid puppets (most notably, in this instance, retailers/convenience store associations) provides Grim with the most target-rich environment from which to reap.
Grim discourages you from visiting the run site – www.tobaccofreeworld.ca – simply because…well, you might come away thinking that tobacco is a dangerous and deadly product. Or something like that!?!
If you have any ideas as to how Grim might foil this event, please send them here (please put “JTFW” in the ‘Subject’ line). Grim thanks you, in advance.
In the meantime, Grim plans to pay Povah a few surprise visits as he makes his way across the country.
Not sure you’ll ever see the two of them (Povah and Grim) together, since Povah feels that the best way to control his anger toward Grim is to simply ignore him…and stay as far away from him as possible.
Oh, and by the way: In those e-mails you send, the “JTFW” in the subject line, in this instance, stands for, “Journey for a Tobacco-FILLED World!” Yes indeed, Grim just can’t get enough tobacco! Not that he smokes himself: Hell no! But everybody else really should smoke, regardless of age. In fact, Grim often visits maternity wards and passes out candy-flavoured “Ciggy Soothers”. Yummy!
A news story from New Tang Dynasty Television: Anti-Smokers Protest Bangkok Trade Show
The Grim Reaper has become, at least temporarily, one of the characters in the Vancouver-based User Friendly comic strip.
Until today, the biggest anti-tobacco protest (and I mean ‘protest’, as opposed to convention/conference) I’d ever attended was in Washington DC about 3 years ago. Of the 5,000 attendees at the 13th World Conference on Tobacco OR Health, about 200 of us marched through the streets of DC (with a large police escort) to the White House, where we demanded (that’s right, we demanded, dammit!) the US take serious action against tobacco, including long overdue ratification of the FCTC (which, as far as I know, still has not been done). In any case, that whole trip — the conference, the protest, the networking, etc. — was incredible, BUT…
I just got ‘home’ from the biggest, best and most powerful anti-tobacco protest ever! And when I say ‘powerful’: If we’re talkin’ earthquakes, all previous protests (great as they’ve ALL been), have been ‘minor tremors’, barely registering on the Richter scale…and hardly noticeable by anyone, especially the tobacco industry (TI).
But this one rocked those bastards… and has triggered a tsunami that just might, with any luck at all, wipe them out!
In typical ‘Errol’ fashion, I was late getting to the protest site this morning. With many curious onlookers (including hotel staff), I loaded the Grim Reaper costume, the SICKARET and 3 placards into a taxi for the 5-minute drive to the convention centre (BKKCC). With the temperature in the mid to high 80s (yes, fahrenheit) and very high humidity, I’m hoping an Arctic front will blow in. No such luck.
Having scouted out the BKKCC area a couple of days earlier, I knew exactly where to go. And besides, I’d been reminded that, with 150 – 500 people protesting, I couldn’t possibly miss it. Well, I missed it!
Not seeing any sign at all of a protest, I got the cabbie (who spoke virtually no English) to pull over. A security guard approached and, seeing my gear (especially the SICKARET) in the back seat, asked an unspoken question by putting his hand to his mouth in a smoking gesture. I said yes. He pointed and, in Thai, told the cabbie where to go, as it were.
A couple of blocks further and I see about 100 people (mostly highschool-aged kids) on the sidewalk… some in costumes (including less-elaborate [if I may be so bold] Grim Reapers, cigarettes, etc.), most carrying placards (in English and Thai)…and ALL wearing very cool t-shirts that say, “TOBACCO KILLS!” in big bold letters on the front and “5,400,000” (plus some other text) on the back. And there are at least 2, maybe 3 dozen helmet-wearing police officers. And I’m thinkin’, “This is cool!”
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In an extremely rare and brief display of sadness and sombre reflection, the normally cold, callous and emotionless Grim Reaper marked the (albeit ‘accidental’, as in a helicopter crash) death of the 123rd Canadian soldier in Afghanistan today (July 7, 2009) by announcing that he is firing the Taliban. In fact, he is severing his ties with all combatants — the good, the bad and the ugly — in all conflicts around the globe. Why? Because his lifelong friends at the tobacco industry kill far more people than ALL of the bullets and bombs ever will!
“The Canadian mission to Afghanistan began in 2002. That’s 7 years ago! Many says it’s been a failure…and I couldn’t agree more: To date, the world’s most feared terrorist organization — the Taliban — have managed to kill just 123 Canadian soldiers…
IN SEVEN YEARS…
IN A BLOODY WAR ZONE! My pals at the nicotine cartel…I mean, tobacco industry…kill that same number of Canadians EACH AND EVERY DAY!!!”, Grim said.
“I need dead bodies! The more the merrier! I thought the Taliban could produce more, but they have failed, miserably!”
Grim continues, “To put it all into perspective: For every Canadian soldier killed by the Taliban in Afghanistan, tobacco has prematurely killed — by an average of 10 – 15 years — more than 2,500 Canadians! Obviously, most of those dead Canadians are ‘civilians’, but that tragic toll includes dozens of (perhaps 100 or more) veterans as well!”
With a devilish smirk on his face, he adds, “Kind of ironic, isn’t it: So many veterans survive the absolute hell of war only to have their lives cut short by a weed that has no redeeming qualities whatsoever, contains the most addictive drug known (nicotine), is a leading cause of brush and forest fires, is the leading cause of (residential) fire fatalities, is one of the biggest drains on our ‘in-crisis’ health-care system, etc.”
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