The Grim Reaper Society

Keeping the human population down for over 600 years

8
Jul 2009
Taliban: “You’re Fired”
Posted in Tobacco by admin at 8:26 pm | No Comments »

In an extremely rare and brief display of sadness and sombre reflection, the normally cold, callous and emotionless Grim Reaper marked the (albeit ‘accidental’, as in a helicopter crash) death of the 123rd Canadian soldier in Afghanistan today (July 7, 2009) by announcing that he is firing the Taliban.  In fact, he is severing his ties with all combatants — the good, the bad and the ugly — in all conflicts around the globe.  Why?  Because his lifelong friends at the tobacco industry kill far more people than ALL of the bullets and bombs ever will!

“The Canadian mission to Afghanistan began in 2002.  That’s 7 years ago!  Many says it’s been a failure…and I couldn’t agree more:  To date, the world’s most feared terrorist organization — the Taliban — have managed to kill just 123 Canadian soldiers…

IN SEVEN YEARS…

IN A BLOODY WAR ZONE!  My pals at the nicotine cartel…I mean, tobacco industry…kill that same number of Canadians EACH AND EVERY DAY!!!”, Grim said.

“I need dead bodies!  The more the merrier!  I thought the Taliban could produce more, but they have failed, miserably!”

Grim continues, “To put it all into perspective:  For every Canadian soldier killed by the Taliban in Afghanistan, tobacco has prematurely killed — by an average of 10 – 15 years — more than 2,500 Canadians!  Obviously, most of those dead Canadians are ‘civilians’, but that tragic toll includes dozens of (perhaps 100 or more) veterans as well!”

With a devilish smirk on his face, he adds, “Kind of ironic, isn’t it:  So many veterans survive the absolute hell of war only to have their lives cut short by a weed that has no redeeming qualities whatsoever, contains the most addictive drug known (nicotine), is a leading cause of brush and forest fires, is the leading cause of (residential) fire fatalities, is one of the biggest drains on our ‘in-crisis’ health-care system, etc.”

“And the best part?  So many governments, business organizations (including the Vancouver Board of Trade, of which Imperial Tobacco continues to be a fine, upstanding member, even after some radical, fanatical anti-smoker zealot suggested to Darcy Rezac that IT be unceremoniously booted out)  — and societies everywhere — continue to think of tobacco companies as ‘good corporate citizens’!”

Grim described it as a “WIN/WIN situation for everybody.”

As he explained, governments THINK they’re getting rich, with all the tax dollars they’re reaping (pardon the pun) from tobacco (shhh, don’t tell the politicians, but the health care costs — directly attributable to smoking — far outweigh those tax revenues).

Tobacco-related lawsuits continue to keep courts busy, with lawyers on both sides getting filthy rich…at the expense of the (revictimized) victim who, most often either goes broke or dies before the case is resolved.

And retailers (from your average Mom & Pop store to 7/11s and Macs convenience stores)…and those pharmacies that still sell tobacco products (your ethically/morally-challenged wealth-care professionals)…and even universities and hospitals (many of which are heavily funded by the tobacco industry); they all continue to profit from tobacco.

And some in the media, like ZOOM Media (which advertises cigarettes, then brags about being a proud supporter of the Canadian Cancer Society, the Lung Association, the Heart & Stroke Foundation, the Breast Cancer Foundation, etc.), the Georgia Straight (which, despite dozens of protests outside its offices, continues to run full-page tobacco ads [sometimes 3 or 4 per issue, just after the “Health” column]), etc.

“But again, nobody is gettin’ rich like my ol’ pals at the nicotine…I mean, tobacco…industry, who those heartless anti-smokers describe as ‘pushers in pinstripes’,” Grim continued.

“Like ZOOM Media and others, I am a proud supporter of the tobacco industry.  Please folks, do whatever you can to help the tobacco industry stay afloat during this global economic downturn (shhh, don’t tell anybody but tobacco is one of very few industries upon which the downturn has had little or no impact):  Take up smoking yourself.  If you already smoke, please, smoke more.  Ignore those pesky No Smoking bylaws; smoking should be allowed everywhere!  And, most importantly, encourage all the kids you know to smoke…toddlers, pre-schoolers; it’s never too early to start smoking!  If they can’t pay for the cigarettes, please be charitable and give them a few…just until they’re thoroughly addicted.  Then they’re on their own; they’ll find a way to get their hit of nicotine, come hell or high water!  And they’ll be mine…all mine…much sooner than they expected!”

Please repeat after me:  I LOVE TOBACCO!  I LOVE TOBACCO!  I LOVE TOBACCO!  I LOVE DEATH!  I LOVE TOBACCO!  I LOVE DEAD BODIE$!  I LOVE TOBACCO!  I LOVE CA$H!  I LOVE TOBACCO!  I LOVE $$$!  I LOVE TOBACCO!  I LOVE ALL THING$ UNETHICAL, IMMORAL AND CORRUPT!  I LOVE TOBACCO!  I LOVE…


You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

Leave a Reply